Freedom means different things for different
men. For some, the main joy of relationships is challenge. They happily
pursue a woman as long as they don't have her, but once they do, they
start feeling trapped. These men feel as if excitement and new
possibilities are now cut off.
Once commitment is in the picture these men feel as though they are
trapped and imprisoned. They often say that once a woman has him, he’ll
be putty in her hands. In the end he feels he will lose his sense of
masculinity. For them it’s all a power game. The one who's strong is the
one who needs less. The power is in not needing.
These men need to be in control to feel their power. It's no wonder that
men like these cannot stay with one woman long. Sooner or later feelings
of dependency start to grow. At this point, these men take to the hills.
No matter how strong they think they are, their loneliness and
frustration only intensify each time they run.
Other men start to feel used when time comes for commitment. Many women
feel as though they need a man to make a commitment in order to feel
secure. But when a man senses this, it can make him feel like an object,
as if he's being used for the woman's security. No man wants to feel as
if he's being used. As soon as he does, he's going to leave. Feeling
loved is different from feeling used. When a woman can give a man
freedom, when she has a full, independent life of her own, it can take
his fear of being used away.
Deep within all men want to feel loved in relationships. They want to
stay and experience being valued and valuing another as well. Once their
fears and patterns of running away are understood, they can be handled,
and everyone can win. To begin, we must see where these patterns come
from, and what they are protecting the man from.
Sometimes the pattern develops at an early age. At one point in a young
man's development the father becomes his opponent, his rival for the
mother's love. When the boy has a healthy maturation, he is able to
relinquish his mother and overcome his rivalry with his father. At this
point, his father becomes his friend, he identifies with him and is
later able to go forward and attain a love of his own.
Some men do not overcome the rivalry with the father. They never grow to
feel they can have a woman of their own. And, they act out this pattern
over and over in all kinds of relationships.
They may give themselves an unconscious message that love is dangerous,
perhaps forbidden. Or, they tell themselves the love object, (mother),
ultimately belongs to another, (to father). No matter how much I want
her, they think, I can never have the woman of my dreams for myself. Or,
if I do have her, I am taking her away from someone else.
These men often find that they are unable to be successful competing
with other men; they are convinced other men will easily win the woman
they desire. For them, some other man has more to offer, just as they
believed their father did. This is a clear replay of childhood, when
they felt they could never measure up to dad. Unless this dynamic is
worked through a man's ongoing relationship with women will, sooner or
later, be troubled.
Sometimes it is the relationship with the mother, not father, that
causes a man to fear and run from love. In other cases, some mothers
hold onto their sons emotionally and refuse to let go. Other mothers
withhold the love their sons need. Some are rejecting or overpowering
with her son. When this happens the woman becomes the opponent for the
man.
Men who suffer from this situation run from women continually, seeing
love as a trap, a place where they will never get their needs met. Many
men are much more fragile than they seem. Harsh words from a woman they
are dating can cut very deep.
A woman in relationship with a man like this would do well to encourage
him to express his feelings. She should listen quietly and be careful
about criticizing him. When she does express her needs and feeling, it
is important to do it carefully, in a non-critical manner, making sure
he is also aware of how much she values him.
Ultimately, for a man to be healthy romantically, he must work out
unfinished business. Once he does he will develop a basic confidence in
himself and be able to move forward and find a loving, suitable woman of
his own. Commitment is an organic process that takes time. It usually
happens in small steps and is the natural progression of the heart.
Touchstones To Remember
(How To Deal With Men Who Are Afraid Of Commitment)
FOR WOMEN
- Listen carefully to what he tells you. Don’t criticize. Understand.
- Don't think your love will change him or make him want you more. He
wants you as much as he can right now.
- The less pressure, guilt and obligation in this relationship, the
better. The busier you are, the more self fulfilled, the better the
chances for this relationship to continue.
FOR MEN
- Look at your pictures and expectations in relationships. Understand
why you feel trapped in relationships and always need a way out. What or
who is it you are really running from?
- Try to form a relationship where you can give yourself the emotional
freedom to be who you are. Many men feel they constantly have to perform
for the woman and therefore do not want to stay for too long. Allow
yourself to be true to yourself in the relationship. Say no when you
want to. Then you can say yes.
- Find women who are more accepting. Ask them in advance about what they
need to feel good in a relationship. If they are too possessive, go on
to someone else.
Cc/author/2007
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